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Eeek! I knew it! David and Francis preparing to lead a revolution to take over total control of phpBB Weekly!

RUN!!!

[House]

At least they'd have an internet connection capable of handling a conference call.
Also, this is only confirmation on a long-time suspicion of mine that Francis secretly wants to be a weatherman..

[Handyman]

Good Evening, I'm Handyman with SCOFF News.

The debate on saturday morning answer a lot of questions and left some of us scratching our heads.
Barack O'Bertie was the most prepared for everything? he sounds confident and ready to take on any issues that may arise.
Lyndon Bertie Johnson has cookies? what more do you need? He also want's more Borg to come so we can have more Pizza and soda with bendy straws.
Albertie Einstein want's to hand out smarties for everybody.
Sir Bertie Jr. declined to comment on Roe Bertie Vs. Wade Bertie and mentioned locking people up several times? we will ask him for his stance on capital punishment.

We lost the connection with Lyndon Bertie Johnson and Barack O'Bertie had other campaign plans starting at 12PM UTC - 5, so he had to leave the debate early, so we were unable to get his answers on several questions.

I'll send it over to Al Falfa for his thoughts on the debate

Al?

I would say overall, the debate went well.
The candidates were trying to assure everybody that they are ready and prepared to run Bertie Mons.
Barack sounded the most confident and ready to conquer.
Albertie sounded like he, with the help of smarties, can figure out anything.
Sir Bertie Jr. sounded like he doesn't care about Berties and spoke of locking people up (on multiple occasions) never to be heard from again.
Lyndon Bertie Johnson is looking out for everybody's best interests with Pizza and Cookies .

As expected, the Borg question came up multiple times with widely varying answers? I don't know what to think.
LBJ invites them, Barack has a battle plan, Jr. somehow plans to lock them into a box and Albertie want's to lock them behind a level 15 forcefield.

I'm Al Falfa reporting live from the field.
SCOFF News

Thanks Al.
In the wake of the debate, a straw poll was started that will run for 6 days? so far, Lyndon Bertie Johnson is leading in the polls? holding on to a slim 2 vote lead over the other candidates.

Well, that's all the time we have for now.
I'm Handyman, for all of us here at SCOFF News, Goodnight.


(next post contains summary of the debate)

[Handyman]

Opening statements

Are you tired of reaping what you sow?
sick of having to work to get paid?
then it sounds like communism is right for you.

The whole idea is that the money is spread out so the people who work really hard will give part of their money to slackers like you? it's a Win-Win situation.

The hard working people don't get rich and greed and the lazy people don't feel bad about doing nothing.
This is all under the assumption that the hard working people don't figure out that they can just do nothing and get the same thing.

If they ever found out, things could get bad? HA! like that will ever happen.

And to get started, I will take temporary control over the country, I promises to give it back.
You have my word!

Communism has no obvious flaws.
Remember, good in theory, good in practice.

God Bless Communism!

If you ever wonder why Gas prices are too high, it's because people like Bush and other things are dealing with the oil companies.
That's why you should vote for Sir Bertie Jr. of the Anti-Bush party.

If you EVER want to see the next version of phpBB by the end of this year Please! vote for me

First of all, I'd like to thank our faithful listeners for listening faithfully.
My Motto will sum everything up? E = phpBB3 squared and Smarties rule.

Are you tired of communists?
do you like cookies?
would you vote for somebody forced by skittles?
do you want to stop all the noobs and trolls?
than vote for LBJ!

Homeland Security

On the threat of Borg Invasion:

I would build a cage for them and totally lock them away and send them out into space

I would use smarties to invent a level 15 forcefield and trap them into deck 15

I don't think it's a problem.
Last time we had a Borg invasion, we had pizza,
we had soda with bendy straws.
Hey, you know what? I want borgs.
Come! we'll have a party.

The Gonculators Logic will be used to outwit the Borg into thinking there are just a couple of us, and when they send just a few of them to destroy us, we will destroy them through our superior technology.
I also envision eggs playing a role in this.
Lots of eggs!

Energy

On Energy Independence from Earth:

I suppose you could build a energy container and steal energy from earth, then you'd be set for a couple years? probably.

Well what does it matter? we're on Mars right?

Earth is our first stop on my plans to conquer the solar system.
once we have that puny planet, we'll have all the energy we need and will have no need to be independent from it.

Well first: do the hamster wheels.
Just have all those naughty berties do all the hamstering.
Just run around on those little wheels and get the power from them.
second: I can hear you fine? I guess everybody else has problems.

Foreign Policy

On the calls for world domination.

Now, First, we are going to purchase build-a-bear workshop and devote their massive chain of resources to creating your favorite little bear.
when we amass an army of about 10-20 thousand, we're going to invade MySpace with the Bertie Collective and we're going to accumulate more friends than Tom? at which point, we'll be on Fox News and from there you can figure it out

Or course we're going to dominate the world, and second, we'll do it through: Lies, deceit and cunning.
Lies, deceit and cunning? that's about it.

Well, we've already taken Mars over? now we're taking earth over with all the humans.
Next, it'll be Pluto? yes, the dwarf planet, then everywhere else.

Well, do gain world domination, we'll probably spend a little while build up the technology and I'd amass a force of robotic berties and take over the world

Domestic Issues

If elected, what would you accomplish in the first 100 days in office

I'd implement Communism and rule over it until it's ready to not be ruled over by the ????
which may take a life time or two, and yeah, that's about it.
No way they'd wage war on us and Pluto.

First, I'd go over all the bug reports, all the ones back prior to RC 1.
Clear them out of the bug report tracker
second, I would make sure all those bugs that were back in the day are fixed by now? hopefully they are.
Going through them making sure they are all fixed.

I'd probably update the technology of Bertie Mons and I would promote the next phpBB conference.

that's simple? you know Handyman's Friend, General Error?, I'm going to appoint him to head of offense and we're going to launch an all out scale attack on peopleism, which we'll just attack Harmless.
I can't tell you anything more than that otherwise they'll get a head up.

[b]Campaigns

on the various dirty campaign tactics going on recently

well, I think they should just be remove completely.
Give them a warning.
If they don't do it the first time, just remove 'em completely.
Do not let them be seen from EVER AGAIN? totally annihilate them.

well, the dirty campaign tactics are just another method of getting votes and it would be nice to keep things clean sometimes but dirty is a method that is used by lots of candidates in all sorts of elections? Normal Tactic.
Just another tactic.

for one thing, I don't appreciate people saying that our cookies are moldy.
I'm calling you out for that one.
I'm gonna attack the shoutbox later.
We all know for a fact that Handyman likes our cookies.
So besides that, I think it's fun? I even gave Harmless full consent to attack me all he wants.
I did however put one banner, one for each of our campaigns that they do not endorse LBJ.

What do you intend to do with podcast hosts who are unable to be heard?

Using my smarties, I would update the technology of Skype through a secret electrical source.

I plan to walk to the Kitchen and make myself something to eat.

I wouldn't do anything to them? to the people that can't hear them: I would give them a sticker that says they are legally deaf and they they will get an extra nut when communism comes into play.

First: I would kick off all the people on the cell phones that don't know how to turn up their volume? get a high speed internet.
second: tell them to learn how to operate a computer

On Roe Bertie Vs. Wade Bertie

I wasn't even aware that berties had that problem actually.

I think that Bertie Fetuses are Berties too? so let them live.
And they should tear down the abortion clinics ??

This isn't political crap? this should be just anything.
Let them do what they want.

Berties only have baby berties when they want to have baby berties

My take on it is that the newborn berties should live so that they can be added to our army and so if the bertie abortion clinics don't shut down when I tell them to, I will send my robotic bertie army down to shut them down by force.

On who you would choose as a vice president and why they would be qualified to take over if something should happen to you

Acyd Burn? DUH!
It's obvious, because he's amazing and because he's the head of phpBB, so he's qualified, yeah.
I heard he's also a firm supporter of communism

SHS` because he pretty much created bertie from the start.
He's been so plant berties all over.
He's part of the Bertie globalization plan.

Barack O'Bertie because on the campaign for president, he seems to be the most organized

Barack O'Bertie, would you consent to doing that if Albertie picked you?

as much as I want to say Dino Bob on this one, I think I would actually choose 7 of 9.
yes? because of the Bendy straws? I'm sorry

on what holidays would you create for Bertie Mons

First off: Bertie Birthday.
Second off: Sir Bertie Jr's inauguration day.
Third off: Christmas, everybody likes presents, and that's about it? for now.

Do you have future plans?

Well of course? who doesn't?

well of course Van D would incline me to create a national holiday for the inauguration day of Albertie Einstein.
I would make the release date of phpBB3 Gold a Holiday and I would create a national Holiday for Londonvasion when that happened.

Obviously we should have a national cookie Holiday.
On a more serious note: a memorial for all the boards lost back in 2005? I think maybe we should have a santy day.
That might be a bit controversial, but? 

First of all: My Birthday.
Second of all: Inaugeration day
third of all: Communism day
and forth of all: Christmas.

What do you intend to do with phpBB team members once the new regime is in place?

They will be assimilated? resistance is futile.

Well, first, Glorify and serenade with money and Woman for iWisdom.
Get em plasma TV's and larger computer monitors for wGEric and also the rest of the development team

who pays for it?

who pays for it? Berties make it from scratch.
Berties know everything.

For the rest of the MOD team, force them to do work in BBCode sweat farms

there is fear that when you are elected, members of the other campaigns may for a rebellion. What would you do to prevent this from happening?

to prevent a rebellion? just invoke martial law on all of them? the other candidates.
Exile them to deck 15 for ever? and ever.

I would threaten to withdraw their Smarty supply

On Tax reform

The inhabitants of Bertie Mons would pay for more smarties probably.
That would be the tax system.
Smarties solve everything? they're the answer to life.

how much more in taxes would the average bertie have to pay to fund your smartie program?

Probably normal, those aren't too expensive.
See? we get normal smarties, then enhance them with Borg Nano-probes.

just remove taxes? we don't need taxes for berties.
Berties are smart enough to know that taxes are wasteless and a lot more work.

how would you fund government programs?

Smarties??? Life-savers actually? they save lives

on possible delays in Ascreaus Mons

well, Ascreaus is sorta like Olympus so it shouldn't be delayed, however, since it is like it, it will be delayed? but, if you vote for question mark, it won't be delayed.

I don't think that's a problem because I would just bribe the workers with Smarties so that they will double their efforts and with the smartie bribe in place, lots of other people will want to help with the development

How would distributing candy solve our problems?

I think I've said it before, they're modified with Borg Nano-probes, so Smarties can do everything

[quote"Sir Bertie Jr."]just need lifesavers? they save lives? that's all you need.
Everybody will have their life saved if they have a life saver[/quote]



Closing statements

just remember: gas prices are too high, life savers are good, anti-bush campaign = the best so vote for Sir Bertie Jr.

If you vote for me, I will give out smarties.
I have enough smarties for 4 years for all the citizens of Bertie Mons and I'll make sure there's a tube of smarties in every candy jar

[Highway of Life]

Listen to the SCOFF Nightly News Report

SCOFF News would like to interview each of the candidates campaign managers this week, please contact Handyman with the best time to reach you via phone for a short 2-minute interview.

[Jazlean Jaymii]

Another good report and summary of the debate, and LOL at the theme music XD
Question: when will we get to hear the responses the canidates that had to leave early?

EDIT:
Oh I am going to be the coolest kid in school... I have SCOFF news on my Ipod! Lame? oh thats meh

[webmacster87]

Question: when will we get to hear the responses the canidates that had to leave early?

Very shortly, I've been busy with school stuff but I will get the remaining answers put out soon.

[webmacster87]

Listen to the SCOFF Nightly News Report

Heh, nice job, David and Francis. Though I must say, David's accent for Al Falfa was quite, ahem, interesting.

SCOFF News would like to interview each of the candidates campaign managers this week, please contact Handyman with the best time to reach you via phone for a short 2-minute interview.

Clever idea. And let me know if you want to interview me.

Maybe once this campaign is over I'll put out a special episode of phpBB Weekly featuring all of the SCOFF episodes combined together.

[harmlessgoat22]

A couple pickles to fry with you, Handyman...

would you vote for somebody forced by skittles?

Endorsed, not forced

No way they'd wage war on us and Pluto.

"No wait" not "No way"

I think that Bertie Fetuses are Berties too? so let them live.
And they should tear down the abortion clinics ??

I also mentioned killing everyone inside

This isn't political crap? this should be just anything.
Let them do what they want.

Berties only have baby berties when they want to have baby berties

*not a pickle with you, Handyman* I'd like to point out the stupidity of this statement, because Berties can just not *...* and then no one will get pregnant. In this way, they control when they have baby berties...


Anyways, I wasn't expecting this nice of a report...this must have taken quite a bit of work!!! Great Job!!!!

[Handyman]

meh, I did the best I could considering some of you guys were hard to hear at times