A definitive ranking of the perviest crews in the ‘Star Trek’ universe
14Viewsby: Molly Harris
With Patrick Stewart coming back to grace our television screens with CBS’s Star Trek: Picard on January 23, and Star Trek: Discovery scheduled for a third season on the same network, this is truly a blessed time for Star Trek fans.
There are so many great things to love about Star Trek: Discovery (for starters, its initials are ‘STD,’) and we are thrilled about the return of both Captain Picard (Stewart) and the filthy, filthy Holodeck, but we are also concerned. Everyone looks a little too cool in the trailer.
They all have sculpted, 1960s-style jawlines and are wearing fitted black jackets as they run with the speed and skill of a Crossfit trainer mixed with a golden retriever. This is not the Star Trek we know and love and watch on Hulu for hours at a time! Not everyone can wear leather jackets! There needs to be a few people with glasses and sweater sets mixed in too.
There is a reason for this. Only two personality types are willing to give up everything, to leave their world behind and travel through space to boldly go. . .somewhere.
Nerds and pervs.
The only people, ever, who would be willing to risk life and limb in search of alien cultures are split into two groups: the person who wants to study it, and the person who wants to fuck it.
Allow us to provide an exhaustive ranking of the nerdiest and perviest members of Starfleet and the only two character types that have ever mattered in the Star Trek Universe:
1. Star Trek: The Next Generation
Some people mistakenly believe the TOS crew consists of the horniest aliens in Starfleet.
Some people are wrong.
The top spot is reserved for Star Trek: The Next Generation. Captain Picard and his band of merry men were the biggest perverts in the galaxy. This should have been obvious from Encounter at Farpoint—only sick minds would carpet a spaceship.
The manifest for TNG’s crew was a parade of sex-crazed weirdos, each more debauched than the last, mixed in with a healthy number of dorks (poor Geordi La Forge (LeVar Burton)) who were just trying their best.
The holodeck was an abomination in the eyes of God, there was no legitimate reason for Data to be fully functional, and nobody would willingly go to that many classical music concerts at Ten Forward unless there was an Eyes Wide Shut-style orgy directly afterwards.
But the real reason STTNG ranks first is based on where the crew vacationed. STTNG had an entire planet…for sex.
Risa was a sex planet.
Think of the logistics of that for a moment—an entire planet, an entire ecosystem, an entire global population, for sex. It’s as if all of the Holiday Inns in Jacksonville, Florida, suddenly merged together into an enormous gaseous giant. If you took a black light to Risa, it would glow so powerfully and intensely it could outshine the sun.
2. Star Trek: The Original Series
We firmly believe the original pilot, The Cage, was reshot as Where No Man Has Gone Before because Captain James T. Kirk (William Shatner) replaced Captain Christopher Pike (Jeffrey Hunter).
If you stuck Captain James Tiberius Kirk in a cage with sexy space nymphettes, he would have noproblem humping his way to freedom.
On the other end of the spectrum, TOS gave us Spock (Leonard Nimoy). Spock is the nerd epitome. He is the most steadfast and dedicated dork in all of film history.
Star Trek, in its best episodes, is an exploration of different cultures trying to coexist. Most of the time, these different cultures take issue with the idea of coexisting, and that’s where the plot comes in.
Mr. Spock just wanted to do his job, study different cultures, and not get verbally abused by Bones, but his efforts were constantly derailed by a deranged superior officer. Watching their relationship evolve over the course of the series was one of the greatest joys of the show, and demonstrates how humans and vulcans make the best perv/nerd partners.
3. Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Someone at this point might rightfully point out that a person can be more than two things. You could mention that someone might be both a nerd and a perv. You are correct, nameless reader! One of the greatest joys for any iteration of Star Trek is realizing the character you had pinned as a nerd was secretly a full-scale perv (or vice versa) the entire time.
DS9 is an example of this switcheroo. Throughout the series, Sisco comes off as a beautiful bald space nerd, but by the time you watch “In The Pale Moonlight” you realize he’s a perv. One of those really dangerous, slightly scary, Macbeth-style pervs totally down for murder.
4. Star Trek: Enterprise
We’re on a race to the bottom and Enterprise barely ranks on this list.
Nobody on Enterprise really had personalities, they just had chiseled jaws and squinted a lot. However, Captain Jonathan Archer (Scott Bakula) was the first human to engage in a Vulcan mind meld and that really is the epitome of nerd/perv synergy.
5. Star Trek: Voyager
Captain Kathryn Janeway (Kate Mulgrew) never did and never would tolerate any funny business on her ship.
Catch your favorite Star Trek installments on Amazon or CBS now.
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